The DICTATOR movie trailer

Earlier this week, I posted a video featuring an SUV, the T-98 Kombat, as made by Russian manufacturer Dartz (whose $1.5M Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition extravagantly decked out in whale penis leather--how high-brow is that--even got lip service recently on "The Colbert Report"). Anyhoo, this particular blog (located here for your convenience) garnered the snide comment of "It looks like a Hummer...big deal." Well, funny that you should say that, sir, as today's video features the Dartz Kombat one-on-one against the Hummer H1. Let's get ready to rumble!

The Dartz T-98 has been noted as one of the fastest multiterrain armored vehicles in the world, boasting an 8.1-liter engine and made with parts courtesy of General Motors. The Hummer H1 is often considered to be the most desirable of the Humvee makes, being the first of the now famous line introduced by AM General and also valued for its (relatively) efficient gas mileage. Coincidentally, the Hummer brand is also associated with GM, which had to part with the line as part of its bankruptcy settlement. So how much do they have in common versus how much they don't have in common? Well, I'll let you be the judge, as this video puts both vehicle types to the test in various environments including highways, sand dunes, forests, and snow. Enjoy. Or not. It's no big deal, right?

DARTZ ON DISCOVERY CHANNEL

Dartz filling up a Hummer-sized void? from Jameslist.com

Dartz filling up a Hummer-sized void?

Friday, March 5, 2010

By Love Blomquist

Ding-dong, the witch is dead!

With Hummer having been pronounced DOA, people are wondering where they now should look for their larger-than-life oversized vehicle of choice. It seems that a gentleman by the name of Jason Notte has a suggestion we all can get behind.

If the Hummer is the equivalent of the flashy, flamboyant Apollo Creed from the “Rocky” films, then the Kombat is Ivan Drago putting him to rest “Rocky IV”-style. This Russian-built behemoth’s V8 can push it to 110 mph, which is no small feat when it’s plated in steel and three-inch-thick windows. It can withstand a direct hit from a rocket-propelled grenade, but a proposed $1.5 million Prombron version also features bulletproof wheel hubs and a Vertu mobile phone with a panic button.

Though the costlier model’s gold-plated windows, ruby- and diamond-encrusted gauges and extra layer of Kevlar have drawn interest from the Prince of Monaco and former tennis champ Marat Safin, its production is on indefinite hold after the World Wildlife Fund, Greenpeace and Pamela Anderson complained about the company’s choice of upholstery material: whale penis leather. Though Dartz failed to replicate Aristotle Onassis’ use of the material as barstool upholstery for his yacht, it managed an even greater feat: winning a war of sexual euphemism with a company called Hummer.

Dartz reaching out to the mainstream media is just about the best way to finish a week – and the whale penis leather only had to be mentioned once!

Driving Miss Dickmobile

What is the common thread that draws South Africans of all colours, creeds and credulities together? Is it their shared past, their hope for the future, their love of alliterating the letter c? No, it's the fact that they all drive like dicks.

Okay, not all. Just almost all. In fact, there are so many dicks on our roads, it's impossible to differentiate among them. Until now, that is. Ladies, gentlemen and racist little girls, as the ANC Youth League says when addressing a gathering, I give you -- the £1million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition Armoured Car SUV.

This Russian-built baby is produced by RussoBaltique, the same company that built armoured vehicles for Tsar Nicholas, Vladimir Lenin, S'bu Ndebele and Leon Trotsky. (Only three of these people were in fact customers. Reader, can you guess who the odd man out is?) The vehicle comes with gold-plated bulletproof windows and a tungsten exhaust. The gauges are encrusted with diamonds and rubies, and the exterior has a Kevlar coating. And best of all, the seats are made out of whale-penis leather. Yep, finally we have an answer to that age-old question: what do you give the dick who has everything? That's right -- his very own dick to sit on.

Now I'm aware that this is a fantastic advertising ploy. After all, agency creatives and car manufacturers have long known that a car is an extension of a man's penis, or in the case of politicians, a non-gendered extension of their general quality of being dicks. So what better selling point than seats made out of whale-penis leather? They don't come bigger than that (ahem).

The website for the Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition Armoured Car (I know -- it's a bit of a mouthful) says the whale-penis leather is inspired by the bar stools in Aristotle Onassis' yacht, which were covered in whale foreskin. Phew, talk about the Greek persuasion. But whereas the rest of big Ari's yacht, the Christina O, could conceivably be described as "stylish", the Dartz Dickmobile can only be described as 'the end of European civilisation as we know it."

Now I'm aware that writing about this is not responsible journalism. Many politicians read the Mail & Guardian to find out what they got caught doing this week, and pointing them in the general direction of the Dickmobile is like waving a red flag to a taxpayer-subsidised bullshitter. I can already hear the saliva running down the gutters of Parliament.

And matters aren't helped by the fact that the Dartz Dickmobile comes with three bottles of Russo-Baltique, the vodka brand the company created this year to mark 100 years of bringing appallingly bad taste to the world.

Apparently, a bottle sold for £790 000 last year. According to the company website, it's not meant to be drunk -- instead it should be displayed as art. Art! Oh, the humanity. That's like calling Vladimir Putin a peacekeeper.

The vodka flask is a replica of the radiator guard used for the Russo-Baltique cars, and it's made from gold coins minted between 1908 and 1912. The flask cap is made from white and yellow gold and contains a diamond-encrusted replica of the Russian Imperial Eagle. And the bottle itself is made of bulletproof glass 30cm thick.

Why on god's increasingly less green earth (hello Hummer, the free world's version of the Dartz Dickmobile) would you need a vodka bottle to be bulletproof? In fact, why would you need a £1-million luxury armoured car in the first place? The website has some convincing arguments, actually:

"Because it's not enough to just be World Most Expensive Armored Car! World Strongest Armored Car! World Most Luxury Armored Car! Armored Car which was driven and used by Russian Tzar Nikolai II. Armored Car which was a tribune for new commy Tzar Lenin at 1917! Armored Car which was last soviet car of Trozky.

"They Drive It! You -- can!

"World Oldest Armored car brand which is reincarnated in ÜberLuxury status and returns to shoock this World again.

"This unique car unit limo luxury and tank strength, supercar power and spaceship electronic.

"Drive it! Drive Safe! Drive Fast! Drive Proud!"

Ah. The nice thing about life, if by nice you mean depressing, is that there's always somebody out there more corrupt, more disgusting, and/or more venal than our own homegrown mob. What are a few luxury Mercs and Beemers compared to the Dartz Dickmobile? Why, we're practically saints.

But hopefully, if all this isn't some sort of internet hoax, we'll be able to get the Dickmobile in Africa in the future, possibly as some sort of Arms Deal package. After all, the company is, a spokesperson informed the Mail Online, "launching a version of this new model in 2012, just for Latin America.

"This will commemorate the fact that Trotsky was killed in Mexico with an ice pick in 1940. As such, the Latin version will come with a gold ice axe to mark this fact." Now that's cool. Perhaps a South African version can come with a small golden bed, to commemorate the Commies' favourite SA hiding place of the 80s.

(Thanks to @KevinMcCallum for the link)

Chris Roper is the editor of the Mail & Guardian Online. Follow him on Twitter @chrisroperza

Top Ten Coolest Armoured Cars

Absolute protection, style, luxury, power and cool factor all come standard with our top picks for the world’s best armoured cars

Best Armoured Limousines: For those who like to take the back seat

Maybach 62S armoured by Rijck – German Uberluxe

Swiss company, Rijck, specializes in creating armoured limousines. Their masterpiece is their fully armoured Maybach 62S. Rijck provides B6 protection on their Maybach, which means it will shrug off an attack from a high powered sniper rifle fired from 10 meters. Somehow, they manage to create a perfectly protective cell without changing the exterior or interior appearance of the Maybach. In other words, you’ll be able to drive through a heavily armed ambush without spilling a drop of that 1972 Chateau Lafite you’re enjoying in the hand-polished 925 sterling silver champagne flutes by Robbe & Berking that come standard with the 62S.

Maybach 62S specs:

Engine: AMG V12 Biturbo 5980cc 620hp gasoline
0-60mph: 5.2 secs
Top Speed: 155mph
Special Features: State of the art audio/visual system by Bose, Nappa leather seats designed for private jets, trunk-mounted Dunhill umbrella
Price: starting at $352,000

Watch video of the Maybach in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2cqJoTWZz0&feature=related

Bentley Mulliner Division Armoured Mulsanne – The Royal Treatment

Maybachs may be truly fine automobiles, but let’s face it, there’s something about a Bentley that epitomizes class. Enter the Bentley Mulsanne, lovingly armoured by their Mulliner Division, the same folks that build armoured cars for Queen Elizabeth. This car is one tough mutha. Built to withstand high powered arms fire, explosives attacks from above or below, and chemical weapons the Mulsanne will keep you secure. In addition, this car really flies. It’s a luxury tank that can go 0-60 in 5.1 seconds and tops out at 184mph. (Before armouring. Post armour stats weren’t yet available, but Mulliner’s armoured Arnage was able to get to 60mph in 5.8 seconds.) In fact, you may be tempted to give your chauffeur the day off and drive this beauty yourself.

Bentley Mulsanne Specs:

Engine: Twin Turbocharged 6.7L V8 505hp gasoline
0-60mph: 5.1 seconds
Top speed: 184mph
Special Features: Impressive multimedia system driven by 40GB hard disk. An absolutely gorgeous handmade interior.
Price: $400,000

Watch video of the Mulsanne in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xjw4a9q6Jk

Cadillac One – Hail to the Chief

If you live in the Western Hemisphere and think limousine, you think Cadillac. Every US President since Woodrow Wilson has ridden in a Cadillac limousine. In 2009, General Motors built a brand new Cadillac limo for President Barak Obama. When Obama flies it’s on Air Force One or Marine One, but when it’s time for the run flat rubber to hit road, it’s in the new “Cadillac One.” This armoured limo is so amazing, the details are classified. Let’s just assume it can withstand a direct hit from a nuclear warhead and has a really, really good multi-media system.

Cadillac One specs:

Engine: V8 6.6L turbo 300hp diesel
0-60mph: Slow enough so Secret Service can jog alongside
Top Speed: 60mph
Special Features: CIA trained driver comes standard. Supply of Pres. Obama’s blood on board just in case. 8 inch thick armour plating, including 5 inches underneath the car.
Price: $300,000

Watch video of Cadillac One in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxUvIUGQbY8&feature=related

Best Sedans: For those who like to hide their armour in plain sight

BMW 7 Series High Security – Like James Bond’s only better

BMW has built a 7 Series that is completely armoured and yet looks exactly like a standard 7 Series Beemer. Furthermore, the Germans claim that despite the increase in weight, you will experience no difference in handling, acceleration or breaking. This is due, of course, to their ‘superior’ engineering skills—and implies that you can get a lot more from your standard 7 Series if you know who to call in Stuttgart. The High Security will repel high velocity projectiles, protects against explosives and chemical attacks and even comes with a gas tank that will re-seal itself every time it’s punctured by a pesky bullet. It definitely recalls the scene in Tomorrow Never Dies where the bad guy says, “Bring out the sledge hammers.” Those hammers didn’t even scratch the glass—Bond must have been driving a High Security.

BMW 7 Series High Security Specs:

Engine: V12 6.0L 535hp gasoline
0-60mph: 6.1 seconds
Top speed: Electronically limited to 131mph
Special Features: Gun case in center console made to fit two submachine guns. Comes with driver training courses to teach you what to do when the Scheisse hits the fan.
Price: starting at $350,000

Watch video of the BMW 7 Series High Security in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cu6F4aYJDBY

Audi A8 Security – When you need a Transporter

Audi’s A8 Security is a truly sweet ride. Like its cousin the BMW 760il, the Audi A8 Security doesn’t appear much different from a standard A8. Again, don’t let appearances fool you. This A8 comes completely wrapped in steel, titanium and Kevlar making it impervious to weapons fire. It also has fire control systems, and chemical attack protection. But what makes this Audi really protective is its ability to get out of harm’s way. Equipped with Quattro all-wheel drive and a powerful W12 engine, this heavily armoured vehicle gets from 0-100km in “a few seconds.” Just ask Jason Stratham who drove one in the Transporter films.

Audi A8 Security Specs:

Engine: W12 450bhp gasoline
0-100km/h: less than 5 seconds
Top Speed: electronically limited to 155mph
Special Features: Overlapping, reinforced seams and joints. Complete high-tech mobile office for gadget lovers. Doors can be blown off from inside with explosive bolts like a NASA space capsule.
Price: $685,000 to $1,000,000

Watch the Audi A8 Security in a Transporter chase: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0Y5g2hQ1Cc&playnext=1&list=PL302F636DBDCAB5B7&index=34

Mercedes Benz S-Guard 600 — When money is no object

This Super Merc is more expensive than the Maybach! For anyone who loves cars, the reason is obvious. This fully armoured tank can get to 60mph in 4.5 seconds. That is ridiculously fast folks and certainly faster than any other ground vehicle that may be launching an assault. (I don’t think too many terrorists use Ferraris or Lamborghinis as attack vehicles.) Yet, despite its speed, the S-Guard can withstand high velocity projectiles, rocket propelled grenades, and close range sniper fire. It also has a fresh air system to withstand chemical attack. In a word, it’s completely secure. It’s also pure luxury within—it should be for this price.

Mercedes Benz S-Guard 600 Specs:

Engine: twin-turbocharged 5.5L V12 517hp gasoline
0-60mph: 4.5s
Top Speed: electronically controlled 130mph
Special Features: Infrared night vision headlights & camera which display the road on a screen in the instrument cluster allows you to go dark.
Price: $1.4 million

Watch an S guard advert video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUJamC-gzmQ

Amoured SUVs — Go ahead, make my day

Conquest Vehicles’ Knight XV—The Hummer Killer

The Conquest Knight XV is meticulously hand-built to exacting specifications. The build takes over 4000 hours to complete and only 100 models are produced each year. This is a mean looking vehicle. And it’s even tougher than it looks. Built of hardened steel, it’s wrapped with Kevlar-fiberglass fenders and bumpers. The wheels are practically indestructible, made of forged 6061 aluminum and equipped with run flat tires. It looks like a vehicle straight from a science fiction movie, built to kick ass in a far away galaxy. The interior completes the spacecraft feeling. All black leather, suede and high end electronics this SUV may be the most masculine vehicle ever made. (It includes a wet bar, a humidor, a Playstation3 or Xbox360 and a beer cooler.)

Knight XV Specs:

Engine: GM V8 6.0L 325hp gasoline or Cummins ISB 6.7L diesel (biodiesel option available)
0-60mph: not available (probably a hair faster than Cadillac One)
Top Speed: 153mph
Special Features: 26” Flat Screen TV and a Playstation3 allows you to play BlackOps while real live villains shoot at your mobile fortress.
Price: starts at $310,000

Watch video of the Knight XV in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=te4-EPLpN38

Dartz Kombat T98—Heavy Soviet Mettle

Russian company Dartz has created the Kombat which could be the bastard child of a Maybach and a Soviet T-90 tank. This very tough and capable SUV is designed for the super rich and is popular among Russian oligarchs and certain European princes. It brings plenty of power from GM’s giant Vortec 8.1 liter power plant and is well appointed with all the fineries of a luxury vehicle. The leather interior is sourced from Maybach and the sound system is by Bose. Looking at this car, it reminds me a lot of a Hummer—albeit a very Russian version. None the less, if you are looking for a unique, fully armoured luxury SUV, the Kombat will certainly fit the bill. Also, despite what you may have heard about the Kombat, the leather interior is not made from a whale’s penis.

Dartz Kombat Stats:

Engine: GM Vortec 8.1L V8 400hp
0-60mph: (not available)
Top Speed: 112mph
Special features: It’s absolutely the best car on earth in which to blast hardcore rap music.
Price: $225,000

Watch video of the Dartz Kombat in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxRHzN1eSi8&feature=player_embedded#!

Armoured Wish List—it doesn’t matter how rich you are. Keep dreaming!

Dark Knight’s Tumber—Comically Cool

Ok, so the latest version of the Batmobile doesn’t really exist. That doesn’t make it any less cool. I mean, it breaks down into a motorcycle! I’m just waiting for some crazy coachbuilder to bring this vehicle to market. Are you guys at Dartz listening? This vehicle was armoured, had autocannons mounted in the nose and you drive it while lying on your stomach. It’s powered by a GM 5.0L Vauxhall engine and it has an additional jet engine for boosts and jumps. You can use it to ram other vehicles, or disable them by dropping caltrops (nasty spiky jacks). And if you are upended by a super villain’s RPG, you can take off on the Batpod, a kick ass motorbike, while your car blows up the bad guy!

Tumber Specs:

Engine: GM Vauxhall 5.0L V8 500hp and a jet engine
0-60mph: 5.6 seconds
Top speed: it can fly for short distances
Special Features: Self destruct mode. Front wheels can break into motorcycle for quick escape. You get to wear a Batman costume.
Price: You build it and we’ll buy it

Watch video of the Tumbler in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZicrp_p4BE

World’s Coolest Armoured Luxury Vehicle – Popemobile

Ok, I’ll grant that the Popemobile is not the most beautiful of the cars profiled here. But you have to admit, it must be pretty cool to be the Pope. It doesn’t matter how rich you are, you can’t have the popemobile. Well, you can buy a used one, but that won’t make you Pope. This car may look funny, but it’s a fine piece of German engineering. It’s completely bulletproof. It has a chemical and biological attack foiling filtration system and run flat tires up to 70mph. This car is no joke. Did I mention it has a throne for a back seat?

Popemobile Stats:

Engine: Mercedes Benz V8 5.0L gasoline
0-60mph: 6.0 seconds
Top Speed: 160mph
Special Features: God’s blessing
Price: $311,000

Watch video of the Popemobile in action: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0RaBFtT-NU&feature=fvsr

Read this story in our digital magazine: http://www.execdigital.com/magazines/3765

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PLAYBOY ABOUT DARTZ

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5 Awesome Vehicles for the Extremely Wealthy (And Insane) . Cracked.Com

In movies, video games and comic books, the rich supervillain always has a giant floating, flying or rolling lair armed with lasers, equipped with an insane amount of protection and cluttered with gadgets and escape pods. Ridiculous, right? After all, who would actually build expensive vehicles just to sell to the supervillain demographic?

Well, ask whoever built ...

DOWNLOAD DARTZ TO YOUR MOBILE

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The DICTATOR movie trailer

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Dartz filling up a Hummer-sized void? from Jameslist.com

Dartz filling up a Hummer-sized void?

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